The Dragonbeard Comes
by Lschults17
Summary: In this raunchy parody of Skyrim, there is a Redguard who is the Dragonbeard because he has a cool beard that looks like a dragon. No one knows he's the Dragonbeard until one day because he shaves a lot. Anyways, I can't say much else because the names are pretty innappropriate and I don't think I'm allowed to contain that stuff in a summary...


**Yeah, so uh I decided to write two stories at once. Probably not a great idea. This one is going to be a parody of Skyrim. It's got some pretty bad language, also raunchy so...Read at your own risk...**

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Four men sat in a carriage on their way to Helgen. The first man's name was Raloaf because he liked bread. He wore his Stormcock uniform and began talking to the people in the carriage. The second man's name was Lookhere because he loved attention and stealing horses. The third man was the Jarl of Windhelm, Elfdick Stormcock. The final man was a Redguard from the Alik'r Desert. His name was Galmar. He was the Dragonbeard but no one knew yet because he shaved his beard that looked like a dragon.

"Hey, you're an asshole, horse thief," said Raloaf.

Lookhere pointed a finger at him (His middle finger to be exact). "Hey, Raloaf! Read the Skyrim game disc! It doesn't say language on it! No swearing!"

Raloaf was ashamed of himself. He began to punch his own leg. "This is what I deserve."

As the carriage was approaching Helgen, a Spriggan showed up and knocked it over. "Plot twist!" The Spriggan said. "I don't want to bore you with that intro for the millionth time."

Elfdick looked at the Spriggan carefully. "Is it just me or does that thing have wooden boobs?"

Lookhere ignored Elfdick and said, "This is great. I won't be an idiot this time and get killed by archers."

The Spriggan gave itself a face palm and began speaking, "I guess this is the part where I have to kill you. Oh, but one more thing I have to ask the Redguard. Why does your armor suck?"

"Shut up, Spriggan. On my Dark Elf character I have a full set of enchanted Daedric armor."

After saying this, the Spriggan showed mercy to the Redguard. The Spriggan floated toward Elfdick. "Elfdick Stormcock, your last name is a disgrace to Skyrim. It is very unfortunate because now there is an army of people named Stormcocks. You really should get a name chan-"

Elfdick shook his head. "You're a Spriggan, you don't talk in this game."

The Spriggan put both of its hands on its face. "Elfdick, you dumbass. This is a fanfiction, not a game. It's based off a game, but it's not a game."

"Wow, you're so smart. Can you take me to your tree so I can-" The Spriggan slapped Elfdick because he was looking at a part of her body that he shouldn't have been.

"Elfdick, I would kill you right now but it would kind of screw up the civil war quests and stuff so I can't," said the Spriggan.

Galmar barged into the conversation. "Eh, erm. I believe I'm the main character here. Shouldn't we be focusing on me?"

Lookhere punched Galmar in the face. "Look here, everyone. Look here!"

Galmar got up and said, "This story is pretty much going no where. I think if the author would've included the Helgen intro it might actually have somewhat of a story to it."

Just as Galmar explained this, Alduin, the girl eater came swooping down. Raloaf was still punching his leg back at the carriage. Alduin came down and ate him, but then spit him out because he only ate girls. The Spriggan ran back to its home because it was a girl.

Galmar smiled. "Good, Alduin is here at least. Now we can have a story with no boring Helgen escape." Galmar kind of spoke too soon because the next thing he knew, he saw Lookhere saying, "You're not gonna kill me...BITCHES!" And then the archers shot him.

"What the hell? This was supposed to happen BEFORE Alduin got here! Reset, everyone!" Said Galmar. So now the game restarted and they were all sitting in the carriage again. Someone must have hacked the game because the thing with the Spriggan happened again. Alduin still showed up, but he just flew over Helgen then left.

"This is so weird," said Raloaf. "Now we can visit Helgen while it's not burnt down."

Lookhere saw that Ralof stopped punching his knees. "Um, excuse me, Raloaf. Continue your punishment." And he did.

An Imperial bastard came out of the woods and said, "Death to the Stormcocks!" And Galmar laughed because it sounded funny, but then the Imperial stabbed him in the leg.

"Bitch...I'm not even with the Stormcocks," he explained.

"I don't care. You're coming with us."

"You're mean." Galmar began fake crying. As the Imperial bastard dragged Galmar across the dirt, he waved goodbye to Elfdick, Lookhere, and Raloaf. They all waved back. "Where are we going?" Asked Galmar.

"Up my ass," the Imperial bastard replied.

Galmar took the answer seriously and shouted back to his friends, "I'll be up my ass if you need me!"

The three men laughed at him, then Galmar thought about what he said for a moment. After serious consideration about his answer, he began to laugh out loud too.

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 **Okay, so I just re-read this and it is just so weird. Um...Review I guess. I don't have much to say. This was extremely fun to write because in a parody I can basically do whatever I want. Tell me if I went too far with this and I'll take it down if you want and I'll just make another, more appropriate one...lol...**


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